Prisonlandia, Part 13
Keep in Mind, You’re a Guest
Many of the men who are locked up, learned how to “be a man” in Prisonlandia. Consider the idea that many of those around you may not have had the opportunities that you had. They very likely did not have positive influences to guide them down the right path. Many learned their version of manhood in Prisonlandia due to the lack of a father figure. Be mindful, that some of the things we discuss in this book that you may find odd, annoying, or uncouth, may very well be normal to many and great disrespect will be felt if you give the impression that you are belittling them, their culture, or speaking as though you are better or more “civilized”.
Observations
You’ll see the same guys sit around all day and watch the same tv shows and movies over and over. If you listen closely, you can actually hear their brain rotting. The funny thing is, that guys in Prisonlandia love to watch shows about cops and detectives. The irony is hilarious. As a former cop, I never hurried home so I could watch shows about Prisonlandialites although I do have a particular fondness for Shawshank Redemption and Count of Monte Cristo (which oddly enough were the last two movies I watched before getting locked up).
Victim Mentality
While in Prisonlandia you will meet a lot of guys who constantly like to talk about the past. They will have all sorts of stories about things from their convictions, their prior time in Prisonlandia, and other things. I noticed however, that very few of them ever speak in future terms or with a mindset to truly overcome what has happened. Instead, they were angry or bitter and wanted to complain about things they could no longer change. Why would someone not speak with regards to future goals and intentions? Why would they be so absorbed in a past life of poor decisions or unfortunate circumstances? My determination was that most men were still carrying around a load of regret instead of a load of lessons to apply to the next chapter of life. When consumed with regret, it slowly turns into hopelessness and with this comes a future devoid of planning and aspirations.
My first introduction to regret was a difficult one. I was eighteen years old and my father was in poor health. He was taken to the emergency room and admitted and then placed in ICU at which point the doctor came and got me and my mom and let us come and speak with him. When we came into the room it was obvious that my dad was in pain as he was tossing and turning and talking about how much pain he was in. I don’t remember anything that was said other than my dad repeating over and over “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry”. I gave him a kiss on the forehead and left the room so my mom could be with him. It was the last time I saw him. After I left the room, I left the hospital and walked ten miles to our house. As I walked, I wondered about what had just happened. Why was he apologizing? What was he sorry about? Over time I began to wonder about the regret that he was so clearly carrying with him to the grave. What caused this? How can it be avoided? As the years passed, I tried to do my best to not regret things, even when they were notable failures or screw ups, I did my best to just chalk it up as part of life. I’ve never hesitated to give forgiveness to someone and in return have always been eager to receive someone else’s forgiveness if I can. We are not perfect creatures, and we make mistakes, some of them life altering, but we need to be able to let go of the heavy weight and burden of regret and live a life of happiness and fortune that we can look back on with delight. When you learn how to do this, let me know.
Now, don’t get me wrong, anger, bitterness, and a sense of hopelessness is part of the process of overcoming the same, but some guys get caught in a repeating loop and never move forward. During the span of about eighteen months, I lost my law enforcement career, got a divorce, went through a nasty breakup with my fiancé, and then got arrested and charged. I had a lot of regret and anger going on, was pointing fingers at everyone but didn’t accept the responsibility fully until one day while laying on my bunk in the county jail. As I was lying there, boo-hooing about how my fiancé did me wrong, I was struck with a revelation – is this how my ex-wife felt when I was running around on her and not being emotionally available? Is this how my ex-wife felt when I divorced her? In the blink of an eye, it felt as though someone had poked a red-hot spear through my chest and I suddenly became fully aware of the hurt that I had caused. This moment completely changed my perspective and I believed that there is an energy we can’t explain or describe that is ever flowing and when too much is spent in a negative manner, get ready buddy, because it's going to come back on you.
Over the next several months I made progress with dealing with regret in some areas of my life as I struggled with other areas, but I knew this: I was sick of being bitter and regretful. All of these external, unchangeable factors had control over my state of mind and happiness and I was completely sick of it. Men in challenging positions often require an unusual amount of motivational fuel to achieve their aspirations, much like a rocket leaving the earth needs a lot of fuel to power the ship to overcome gravity. As such, I began to see my failures and disappointment as fuel to propel me to be where I wanted to be. One of my favorite movies is Sphere with Dustin Hoffman and Samuel L. Jackson. Towards the end of the movie (spoiler alert), they are attempting to escape the depths of the ocean in a mini-sub in order to return to the surface before a large explosion occurs under water. The problem however, is that while all three characters are seated in the sub with the start switch only inches away, each of their minds is tricking them into thinking they are someplace else and so they are complacent, living in their minds, and taking no action. Finally, in a moment of clarity, Dustin Hoffman’s character sees the start button and the sub retreats to safety on the surface. The point being, that we must have the right mindset and be aware of the present with clarity and direction, otherwise our clouded mind will affect our actions and ultimately bring about undesirable results. We have the sub we need to get to where we want to be, we just need to focus on how to make it happen.
One of the odd things I would hear over and over by some inmates during my time was something to the effect of the unit being “too quiet” or “too slow”. Some of them would admit that their current unit did not provide the drama going on to distract them and keep them interested. Granted, there were more job opportunities at bigger units, but usually there were also more problems such as gang violence, fights, dope, lockdowns, etc. For those who enjoyed being “caught up in the mix” there were certainly more opportunities at bigger, louder units. During my time in TDCJ I was housed at three units, all of them small, 500-man minimum security facilities and five of my seven years were spent in privately run units. Sometimes I think that I may not have had a “real” Prisonlandia experience by some standards, but I’m totally alright with that. Being a first timer, I wasn’t looking for a lot of nonsense and just wanted to have a peaceful, quiet time so I could work on myself. As I quickly learned, there were many guys who didn’t like the quiet. They needed noises and distractions and constant external input. But why? They didn’t know how to use quiet time to their advantage or were fearful of thinking too much, which might cause them to think about their mistakes and, you guessed it, regrets.
So back to the question: Why would an inmate choose a more aggressive, more populated and less peaceful unit over the opposite? Based on other inmates I spoke with, a tough “rock and roll” unit break you down and makes you more a product of the environment; its not a place for individualism. The small unit gives you breathing room, be the individual (to a degree) that you want to be and usually allows you the time to place the responsibility of your reformation squarely upon your shoulders if you choose. Which leads me to my theory: Some men don’t want responsibility and will do whatever they can to be absolved of it. Considering the fact that my Prisonlandia time and experience was limited compared to some, I went looking for a second opinion from someone who had done more time and was wiser on the topic. I sat down with my friend Philip who was 66 and had done roughly twenty years in and out of Prisonlandia, including the Feds. When I asked him why some guys prefer the chaotic environment he responded “it’s laziness. They only want to feed off the system instead of focusing internally and creating their own system”.
I believe that this type of thinking is part of a victim-based mindset which sounds like this: “It’s not my fault, you don’t understand, I’ve been in Prisonlandia and I have PTSD – no wonder I can’t find a job and now I’ve broken the law again and I’m headed back, I’m a victim of the system!” While I certainly believe that the “system” can do things to make re-entry a smoother process and create more productive citizens, I also believe it to be true that many inmates hold on to an identity of victim hood out of fear and looking in the rear-view mirror. Determination, goals, and responsible attitude cannot co-exist with a victim mentality.
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