Prisonlandia, part 11

 

Find Out Who Your Friends Are

When I first came into the system, I had no idea what to expect and being an ex-cop made the anxiety even worse. At first, if asked, I would simply tell everyone that I had been in the security field. However, after a while I became comfortable enough at my first unit to start opening up a little bit. Wearing “masks” had proven destructive in the past and I didn’t want that type of life again, plus part of my issues prior to my arrest had to do with the struggle of having lost my identity and sense of purpose, so it was important for me to acknowledge my present identity – an ex-cop who was now an inmate. As I began to open up and share my past with other inmates, I didn’t experience negativity or distancing but instead embracing and curiosity. Many guys shared their stories about how they had once wanted to be a police officer but had made a poor decision early on in life that prevented it. I even gave a Toastmasters* speech where I acknowledged my past to a roomful of strangers who gave a warm response afterwards. I felt that I needed to be open, not only for myself but to show other inmates that everyone screws up, everyone fails, even those who are blessed and appear perfect on the surface.

 

Failure is something that everyone is susceptible to, even the greatest names throughout history, but the important thing to remember is that just as failure can follow success, success can follow failure. While I maintained this attitude when talking to other inmates, there were some troubling thoughts brewing inside of me during my down times and when I was just laying on my bunk thinking. There I was, an ex-cop in Prisonlandia who was being embraced by other inmates who came from vastly different backgrounds and now our only commonality was that we were locked up together. I then compared this to the complete abandonment that I had experienced from the police department and my brothers in blue, even those closest to me. Years of training, working overtime, backing up fellow officers, and then, when I tripped and stumbled, everyone disappeared. No phone calls, texts, no offerings of reference for other jobs – complete silence. Into Prisonlandia, the silence continued. I felt completely shunned by a group of people, who for years I worked and stood alongside in life and death moments. Yet, here were these inmates who accepted me. This feeling both lifted me up and broke my heart, yet despite the contradicting emotions, one thing that had never deviated, was the love and concern that I have for my brothers and sisters in blue. I understood, despite the bitter sting, why they had distanced themselves; because it needed to happen. To the officers who have reached out to me since my release, I say thank you, it means more that you can understand.

***SOAPBOX ALERT***

It is my hope that one day, law enforcement agencies across the United States put in place programs to help officers who have been separated from the department for legal or personal reasons. Provide a network of support for these men and women who have served but somehow stumbled and strayed. The feeling of strings being cut completely and identity being stripped away is a painful one and the days and weeks following an event is when encouragement and support are most needed – especially if the officer is experiencing a mental health crisis like I went through. A support system such as this is not one to condone the negative behavior but to say thank you and lend a helping hand to an ex-officer who always helped others without hesitation.

*For those curious about what Toastmasters is, Toastmasters International is a non-profit, international organization that provides a platform to individuals to develop and improve their public speaking and leadership skills. It operates through a global network of local clubs where members practice these skills in a supportive, judgment-free environment. Learn more about them here:

https://www.toastmasters.org/about

Observations

One thing you’ll notice upon arrival, if you're new to the system and culture, is that certain inmates will feel the need to “show off” their Prisonlandia knowledge and experience. They will usually do this by recounting things such as what units they have been on, how long they were there, who they knew or know. They will then disclose how many times they have been locked up, how many years they’ve received and completed, and some seasoned convicts will even dismiss 5, 10, 15, and even 20-year sentences as “nothing” and “no big deal.” These guys will beat their chest like King Kong and say that they are a convict and they’re doing aggravated time. In my mind, I envision Prisonlandia Inmate Cards (like baseball cards) where all the stats are listed and compared to determine who the “real” convicts are and who gets the most respect. Listening to this type of nonsense makes me sad and realize that if you’ve never truly lived and truly made the most of life and the opportunities inherently available, then it probably doesn’t seem like a big deal when it's taken away.

 

 

Helpful Hints

 

Do Your Laundry in the Shower (as you’re showering) – Depending on where you are housed, you may have the “luxury” of having the time and space to wash your clothes in the shower. At some units, you’ll be herded around like cattle into the shower, then rushed to finish. Hell, at some places you’ll have to hike to the other side of the unit just to take a shower and then when you get there it will look like some type of dungeon. Anyway, when I say “laundry” I’m referring to boxers, t-shirts, socks, maybe gym shorts. I would wash them and then either carry them back to the cell, or if I couldn’t get immediately back into the cell because of some wonderful thing called “in and outs” then I would simply place them in a plastic bag until I could get in the cell to hang them. Just a heads up, you’ll have the option to exchange your dirty clothes for clean ones each week, but I usually just held onto what I had if it was a good fit and just washed them myself. One reason being is because they usually do laundry exchanges about 4am.

Remain Cognitively and Physically Active – In short, use your brain. You’ll wonder at times if certain inmates and whether they even have one. Prisonlandia is repetition, day after day – same scenery, same faces, same schedule, same limitations. You are told where to live, what to wear, when to eat. If you chose to, you could literally sit around all day and do absolutely nothing. Going through the motions like this and receiving “input” from tv, games, or reading can be detrimental. It’s important to remember to continue to challenge your mind, stimulate creativity, and practice decision making and planning. These are ways of thinking that we use every day in the “free world” without realizing it. When we get locked up, there is a considerable decline in the use of our prefrontal cortex and hippocampus areas of the brain (these assist with decision making, problem solving, emotions, and learning). Fight this decline and play games like Scrabble, Chess, Crossword Puzzles, keep a journal, keep a planner, or take courses on your tablet or work out. Never in your life will you have as much time to study or exercise, so accept the gift and benefit from it. Don’t be “that guy”, the one that sits around all day, watches tv, doesn’t work out, meanwhile his mind and body are deteriorating and when he finally does leave for home he has trouble jumping back into the fast pace of life and making quick decisions. Always be challenging yourself.

“Studies on isolation suggest that humans forced into limiting or monotonous existences can experience actual physical losses affecting the capacity for creativity. They can lose their full potential for the range of human creative thought.”

The Indispensable Right, Jonathan Turley p.31, Simon & Schuster 2024

Laundry Lines – Shoelaces are an obvious choice and can be purchased on commissary. Another option is to make a line from plastic garbage bags. This takes some skill and patience so find someone to show you how. This is a hustle for some so be prepared to pay up!

 

Overflowing Toilets – I’ve seen nasty stuff and heard even nastier stories of toilets backing up and overflowing. Be sure to not keep anything near the toilet on the floor that could potentially be damaged in the event of an overflow.

 

Weight Bag – If you like to stay fit and maintain a workout routine, you’ll probably want a weight bag. This can be done a few ways but the best I’ve had is simply a commissary mesh bag filled with water bottles (both of which can be bought on commissary). You can also use books in a bag, or sand in bottles or jars.

 

Shower Shoes – One of your most important purchases. Buy them in the County jail if you can and then wear them into Prisonlandia. If you don’t have any, be prepared to improvise but I’ll tell you this – you DO NOT want to get in Prisonlandia showers without something on your feet.

 

Nail Care – Take care of your hands and feet while locked up. Due to the conditions, fungus is easy to pick up on your feet and infections can also make their way to your fingernails. When I was locked up I got hit with a bacterial infection and lost three fingernails on my right hand and this was after a life of never having any issues with that sort of thing. So be aware – Prisonlandia is a funky place and I don’t mean it in a good way.

Eye Wear – If you have the opportunity, wear a set of glasses into the county with you. Once you get to Prisonlandia they will be much more difficult to obtain including a ride on Prisonlandia Bus Service, which you don’t want.

Medical – If you have pre-existing conditions or you’re under a physician’s care, have them provide documentation of your condition so you will have it to give to medical upon arrival in Prisonlandia.