Prisonlandia, part 9

 Fear

 

If you’ve never been in trouble in your life and then suddenly find yourself locked up and on your way to Prisonlandia, there will be fear. Prisonlandia is near the top of the list of things people fear the most. We’ve all heard crazy Prisonlandia stories or seen reality shows about guys in Prisonlandia. I feared Prisonlandia and imagined it as some gladiator style fight for survival. I imagined the worst to prepare for the worst. As a patrol officer, I was constantly playing scenarios over and over in my head as I would be dispatched to a call. I would process all information available (keep it mind that info may or may not be accurate), and would play out different possibilities in my head, my potential responses, and any additional problems I may encounter. It’s important to visualize multiple possibilities and outcomes in order to train the mind and prepare it for the day when the decision must be made. This is why training was so crucial during my time in law enforcement, so the mind and body would instinctively resort to the training in times of stress.  Was there fear? Absolutely. It was always there lingering in the shadows of my mind, but would take a backseat to the confidence in my training. 

Notice that I admitted that I had fear and didn’t completely dismiss it – you can’t. Fear must be there to serve as an impetus that drives you to do your best and not become complacent. This is part of our DNA that goes back to cave-man days and being prepared to fight or take flight to preserve our well-being and ensure survival. Sometimes though, even with a “plan” we find ourselves confronted with a situation that doesn’t turn out like we had hoped. During my time of being locked up I often encountered times of anxiousness and fear, usually not from external factors but manufactured in my mind – fear of the unknown. During these times I would often think back to a call I received on nightshift about three o’clock in the morning. 

It was a slow night and me and two other officers were at a convenience store taking a break and fueling up on coffee. The dispatcher then came on the radio and advised of a one-vehicle accident less than a mile from our location and so we slowly began heading towards our vehicles. She then came back on the radio and stated that the driver of the wrecked vehicle was trapped inside. We hit our lights and sirens, burned off, and arrived on scene within 45 seconds. Upon arriving we observed an SUV with the driver’s side wrapped around a huge light pole on the exit ramp of the highway. EMS and Fire had not arrived and there were only tow trucks on standby. The driver was unconscious behind the wheel and both doors on his side were inaccessible. The engine was already smoking as we arrived and based on the damage it appeared that the driver had been traveling very fast and lost control. We began entering the vehicle through the passenger side back door and attempted to make contact with the unconscious driver and remove him if possible. Upon entering the vehicle, flames slowly swelled up from the engine area as we began pulling on the driver. We continued in futility to wake or remove the driver but then we learned that his legs had been pinned under the steering wheel and dash, as a result of the impact. The tow truck drivers grabbed their fire extinguishers, and we all began to attempt to douse the fire which only grew stronger as we continued to await the arrival of the fire truck. The fire slowly crept closer and closer to the cabin which began to fill with smoke and make it even more difficult to attend to the driver. Then as the fire began to enter the cabin, the driver awoke. He began to scream “Help me, Help me” as we continued pulling on his arms and torso as the fire started nipping and biting our hands, arms, and faces. The man was stuck, trapped, and there was nothing we could do for him but retreat and watch helplessly. It happened so quickly.

Over and over through the following months and years, I would think about that young man and the look of fear on his face and in his cries. While sitting in Prisonlandia with fear closing in I would think about this moment and compare my fear to his – but there was no comparison. His fear was legitimate, mine just created. My fears seemed irrational when viewed from this perspective. At the end of the day, fear would dissipate and be replaced with sorrow for being unable to help someone when given the chance. It made me realize that my external conditions and “what if’s” weren’t really driving my fear – the fear instead was deep seeded in my heart and mind. All the people I had let down or hurt and disappointed. Everyone that I could have shown more love or empathy for but didn’t. My real fear was the realization of these acts of omission and the fact that I couldn’t change it and now had ample time to think about it.

Be conscious of fear in the context of self-preservation but don’t get carried away – don’t let it control you. Be careful, because fear can disguise itself as external distractors when we subconsciously project our failures and insecurities instead of confronting the root cause. In this regard, Prisonlandia helped me. I entered the lion’s den, confronted my fears, and rediscovered myself.

Prison Go-Bag

Here’s a list of things you will want to take with you when you “catch chain” and leave your unit either permanently or temporarily. 

- Coffee -shower shoes -toilet paper -deodorant

-soap -cup -spoon -medications (if any)

-glasses -toothbrush/paste -razors -washcloths

-small snacks -legal documents -a book or two -notebook and pen

 

The Prisonlandia Cast of Characters

 

You’ll find a colorful array of characters upon your arrival in Prisonlandia, in fact you may think that you’ve been transported to the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars. I encourage you to be friendly with them and attempt to understand as best you can while remembering that a reflection of yourself is the associations you keep and also how you treat those you don’t associate with. 

“We are continually judging other people. We want others to think and act a certain way. Usually, the way we think and act. Because this is impossible, we continually get upset. Instead, we should see other people as phenomena, as neutral as comets or planets. They come in all varieties, which makes life rich and interesting.”

from The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene

Here's the list of Prisonlandia inhabitants, although I’m sure that you’ll discover even more species upon your visit.

1). Mr. Loud – This guy speaks at an unusually loud level, almost on the verge of shouting, even when next to the person he is “speaking” to. What I think is ironic is that the loud person is usually, almost always, lacking in the ability to use proper grammar. My personal assessment – this guy is trying to make up for a childhood of being ignored and not heard.

2). Mr. Know-it-all – This is the dude who knows everything and has done everything and will have an opinion regardless. One know-it-all that I encountered has the nickname of Alexa (like the Amazon product) because you could ask him anything and get a response as though he absolutely knew what he was speaking on. A good suggestion for anyone is to stick to things you’re good at or have experience in doing effectively like a job or a hobby, before dispensing your thoughts. If you really want to irritate the Know-it-all guy, ask follow-up questions to what he says and determine the source of his knowledge. This will frustrate him when he is unable to provide the specific references.

3). Mr. Resourceful (also known as a Hustler) – This one does a little bit of everything. He fixes electronics, sews, creates arts and crafts, cooks, does laundry, etc. He’s good with improvising and getting things done and living by the motto “necessity is the mother of invention”.

4). Mr. Stinky – Inevitably, you will come across the guy who never mastered the art of hygiene. Even with subtle hints, this species just doesn’t get it. Sometimes it may be due to depression, mental illness, or simply being indigent. If you get a celly like this, the best thing to do is a kind word and maybe a little help if he could use it. Subtly encourage him or even buy the guy a bar of body wash. Word of caution – make sure you’re not dealing with another species who often masquerades as Mr. Stinky, Mr. Toon-head, who will promptly sell everything he has in order to get high.

5). The Toon-head – Addiction is an ugly thing that shouldn’t be taken lightly. These guys are slaves and their master is the drug. Offer them an ear and words of encouragement but I advise against giving them anything of value or providing loans. I had a friend while incarcerated and his celly smoked toon and as a result, things would sometimes come up missing. In fact, this guy even sold his shower shoes so he could get high. Do not be deceived, a toon-heads main priority is getting high.

6). The Clapper – This is the guy who feels a need to clap extra loud, repeatedly, throughout a sporting event on tv. I have never understood how these guys don’t have bruised, chapped, or swollen hands as a result of their fierce clapping. Especially annoying is when these guys clap for pointless stuff like when the team takes a timeout or does something insignificant. Maybe you could have your own hustle and make padded clapping gloves that muffle out most of the sound.

7). The Clean Freak – On the opposite end of the spectrum from Mr. Stinky, is this guy who is constantly cleaning and scrubbing and washing his sheets and clothes. Mr. Clean Freak will constantly wipe down the sink and can become disturbed at the sight of small drops of water or tiny specks of dirt. There is nothing wrong with being clean, I am all for it, however Mr. Clean Freak takes it a step too far.

8). The Holy Roller – Here’s the one that consumes all of his time in religious activities and then is compelled to opine his thoughts on said religion with everyone he speaks to. To me, this is like espousing your opinion on politics or your favorite meal in the chow-hall – it’s subjective, so please don’t attempt to shove your opinion down my throat, especially when it is unsolicited. Not to be confused with the Holy Hypocrite, who will quote a Bible verse, talk about being “blessed” then aptly curse out someone or vulgarly describe the physical attributes of a new female guard.

9). The Inmate who is obsessed with sex offenders – This is one of my least favorite creatures in Prisonlandia. This one continually gossips and talks about other inmates, namely those who have sex offense charges. This gossiping is done almost to the point that he is subconsciously obsessed with pointing out someone else’s flaws. My motto has always been “evaluate others based on my interactions with them” regardless of their charges or past, but this line of thinking unfortunately is not common in Prisonlandia and sadly in much of our society. My theory: Those who incessantly speak negatively about sex offenders and how bad they are, or participate in negative or hateful behavior towards them, were very likely sexually abused as a child. This is no laughing matter and is a perfect example of antisocial behavior caused by an unaddressed traumatic issue that occurred during childhood years. In addition, my theory contends that this species of inmate is tired of being condemned and judged by society, continually spat on and considered the lowest of the population, and as a result, he finds someone whom he can place below him, someone he can judge and condemn, exactly the way he has been treated for much of his life. 

10). The Pessimist – We have all been this guy at some point in our lives and in Prisonlandia it’s easy to become negative, but this particular creature lives in a constant state of bitterness, criticism, and negativity. If your patient and resilient, perhaps you can talk to him and determine what is causing him so much angst and help him improve. The method I adopted was to completely avoid him because he’ll suck all the positivity out of me. The brick walls and separation from family and friends are hard enough to deal with without Mr. Negativity’s help.

11). The Whiner – Often seen in close proximity to The Pessimist, this one is simply more annoying. The Whiner will file a lot of grievances or at least talk about filing a lot of them. He will complain all the time about everything from the food served, the medical services rendered, and the guard on duty as though he is an entitled customer at the Hilton.

12). Mr. Tough and Overly Sensitive – This guy walks around with a “hard” look on his face and with a swagger that says “mess with me I dare you”. He has probably been locked up a while, if not most of his life and he may also be a #1 or #9. He will talk “hard” about being a man and how shit can’t phase him, but then he will go and get offended and sensitive if someone sits in “his spot” or if someone passes within two feet of him and doesn’t say “excuse me”. This species is not hard to spot, but they might as well have “Insecure” tattooed on their forehead.

13). Lord of the Television – This one takes up permanent residency in front of the television daily and has appointed himself as representative and expert on all things televised. The TV is his life and he is willing to fight, like a five-year old, over his opinion of which channel it should be on. Sometimes the Lord is democratic and takes a vote, but sometimes he’ll take an authoritarian role and demand to watch his favorite show which usually leads to a fight or disagreement. Like anything else, TV is alright in small, intermittent doses. However, in my humble opinion, watching TV constantly for multiple hours per day is a complete waste of time and mentally and physically counter-productive.

14). The Roach – This one is constantly asking for handouts but rarely pays anything back and contributes very little to the overall scheme of things within the dorm. Being a bum with your hand constantly out is not going to win you any friends. Remember to help the man who helps himself.

15). The Jack Monster – The compulsive masturbator. Yeah, really. There are two types of this species: 1). The one who is as private as he can be about it and always has a sheet hanging up or something blocking his window. 2) The guy who acts like a complete predator and jacks off while watching other inmates or female guards. To some of these guys it’s like a game and they will even jack-off on ugly female staff members and sometimes they will do it right next to another inmate or within view of an inmate. Disgusting.

16). The Punk – This inmate will take on a feminine role which is often taken advantage of by other inmates. There will be fights over “the punk” and you must be careful when talking to them so as not to offend another inmate who might think that you’re “messing with his bitch”. Another warning – just because a male has assumed the “identity” of a female and carries himself in a feminine way, doesn’t mean that he can’t or won’t whoop your ass. So be respectful.

17). Dragon Breath – Watch out for this guy unless you want to gag and have your eyebrows singed off. In Prisonlandia you will see some of the worst oral hygiene ever – rotting teeth, bleeding gums, etc. Then add copious amounts of coffee drinking to the equation and well, you get my point. My advice, always keep a distance of three feet between you and the Dragon, and never, ever, get backed into a corner. It may also be a good idea to keep a pair of ear plugs in your pocket so you can stick them in your nose which will protect you and send a subtle message to the Dragon.

18). Jailhouse Lawyer – Be very careful whom you choose to assist you with legal matters. There are a lot of guys who have done some serious time and have spent countless hours reading and studying appellate law and who have actually filed documents with the Courts. There are guys who claim to know all about the law but can’t write one grammatically correct sentence or show you where in the law it states what they claim. If you need help with your case, I highly suggest you stick your nose in the law books and learn first-hand, hire an attorney if you can, or explore options with the State Counsel for Offenders incarcerated in Texas.

19). The Interrupter – A variant of the guy who Knows-It-All, except this guy is just plain stupid. This species has no concept of a two-way conversation or the term “active-listening”. They ramble. Then stop. Then ramble again as soon as you begin to respond. My theory – most people begin thinking of their response as someone is actively talking to them (you actually shouldn’t do this because you’re not really listening), the interrupter on the other hand is too dumb to respond, doesn’t know what to say, and so he just interrupts.

20). The Slammer/AKA The Dominologist – This guy may also be a #1 or #6 and apparently didn’t get enough attention as a child and has embraced the incorrect notion that if you’re loud, then you must be right. The slammer will slam dominoes and talk shit at the table as loudly as he can and doesn’t have any consideration for anyone around him (disrespect). I think it would be awesome if the Chess or Scrabble players did the same thing.

21). The Artist – This guy has talent and can often be found working on an art board or portrait – exceptional type stuff. I’ve seen some truly impressive work in Prisonlandia but have noticed some nuances with these inmates. They do not like other crowds around them as they try to work, in fact, I’ve met guys who kept their skills low-key because they didn’t want other inmates bothering them about projects like tattoo patterns or holiday cards.

22). The Singer – This one likes to sing at the top of his lungs while in the shower or the dayroom. Often, he will have his headphones on full blast so that his ears are protected from the toxic noises emitted from his own pie-hole. Meanwhile, everyone nearby has to endure this vocal vandalism which likely than not will resemble the sound of a cat dying in a hail storm.

23). Mr. Touchy-Feely – These are usually, not always, younger inmates who are always horseplaying and putting their hands all over each other as if they were six-years old. Some are probably just immature; others are probably getting some sort of stimulation from the nonsense. It’s when the older inmates do this that makes me raise an eyebrow while I simultaneously get the creeps. Avoid this behavior at all costs – it can lead to misunderstandings, accidents, and people (like me) who will associate you with foolishness.

24). Romeo – This guy believes he can pull any female and has all the right words for female staff. He will show attention to the poor hapless female guards, flash a smile and spit out pick-up lines that I learned in middle-school (Romeo and the guard probably never finished middle school). It is painfully obvious what is transpiring and it always amazes me that there are inmates who have no shame and firmly believe that they, in their current circumstance, have something to offer a woman. As much as I make fun of Romeo, he is often successful and will rope the guard in and she will ultimately do something for him and lose her job over it or she may actually be waiting for him when he is released on parole.

Overall, the indigenous peoples of Prisonlandia (Prisonlandialites) can be very friendly. In fact, it seems to be custom to address everyone and anyone that you may have met, each and every time that you see them from the initial meeting forward. Personally, I find it exhausting to not only have to say “what’s up?” to every familiar face I see on a daily basis, but to also have to respond to others asking me the same question. I suppose part of all this is the politics of Prisonlandia where we must take caution not to offend anyone through omission. Even worse is when you get stuck in line next to the guy who has chosen you as the recipient of his totally meaningless conversation simply because at some point the both of you shared a “what’s up”. Occasionally, I would be surprised and an intelligent conversation would bloom from what I knew to be a certain quagmire of Prisonlandia gossip, or worse – him complaining about or trying to explain his charges without solicitation. I would have visions of Jack Nicholson in the Shining as this inmate would subject me to information I cared absolutely nothing about.