Prisonlandia part 4

 The Intake Process

 

The intake process in the county is grueling and seems as though it will never end. You will be shuffled from room to room as staff takes your picture, fingerprints you, strips you down, and gives you some hideous outfit that appears that it may have been used to wipe down a dirty floor at some point, then you will answer a series of mindless questions from some staff member. Did I mention that each of these rooms will be freezing cold with limited areas to sit? Eventually, you will make your way to the “holding tank” in the infirmary which can only be described as cold and disturbing. You will see men sitting around with open sores, some of them will be making strange noises as though clinging to life, and there may even be one who is having a conversation with inanimate objects such as the guy who was talking to an empty roll of toilet paper. Oh, that reminds me, toilet paper can be hard to come by during intake so plan accordingly if you’re able. Just remember, all of this nonsense is like a boot camp that is preparing and toughening you up for your arrival in Prisonlandia. The intake process in Prisonlandia is similar with a few exceptions. Upon arriving at your intake unit in Prisonlandia you will get stripped down and ordered to squat and cough so they can make sure you don’t have anything tucked away in your “Prisonlandia pocket” (I’ll let you use your imagination on that), then your head will be shaved, ran like cattle through cold showers, and your picture taken which will more than likely make you look like a deranged serial killer. Funny thing about the picture – they do not want you to smile. At some point you will be interviewed, and you will take an IQ test so they can determine if you’re an idiot or not. If you have an education or half of a brain, you should ace it. However, maybe you should flunk it completely because my theory is that the Parole Board is more likely to grant parole to an idiot with no skills than an educated man who has things to offer the world (I’ll rant more about the Parole Process later). All throughout the intake process in Prisonlandia, you will be bombarded with videos about the Prisonlandia Rape Elimination Act (PREA), Extortion and Heat Preparedness. All things that TDCJ has been taken to court over so now they warn you about so they can cover their own ass. Maybe it’s just me, but having to watch videos about rape and extortion upon arriving somewhere is a huge red flag. A word of advice – if you have any security concerns regarding your safety in Prisonlandia upon your arrival at the intake unit, be sure to address this in your interview. I stated my concerns about being an ex-cop and was shipped out about an hour later and I believe that moment of speaking up contributed to my string of cupcake units during my sentence.

Upon the completion of the intake process, you will be assigned housing where you will finally get to meet the “interesting” cast that will serve as your neighbors for the coming weeks or months. I can only describe general population housing in Harris County Jail as being a combination of sweaty locker room, bus stop, and inner-city Section 8 housing. Basically, the inmates are crammed together like sardines with multiple bunks in one small area with approximately 50-100 Prisonlandianites in one pod or wing. 

Your living area will be full of mostly young gang-bangers, drug addicts in withdrawal, old strange men who are quiet and make you wonder how they got there, you’ll see guys with clear and evident mental issues, career criminals or “convicts” as they sometimes prefer, who know the system and have been to Prisonlandia and can’t wait to leave the county and return. There will be a limited number of first timers and occasionally you’ll meet someone who seems very intellectual and well-spoken and is completely out of their element. The general vibe and atmosphere of county jail is one of shouting, loud televisions, slamming doors, and unusually loud toilets. Hell itself probably has a waiting area similar to general population housing in Harris County. Of course, no housing would be complete without the aspiring Rapper who apparently knows how to do nothing but spew out line after line of the worst lyrics known to man all while banging his fist on anything capable of amplifying the sound. Having to listen to this on a regular basis caused me to have thoughts reminiscent of scenes from the Christian Bale movie American Psycho.

 All of these factors combined can cause some serious stress – it will force you to adapt. Remember, this is simply a sample of things to come in a strange new culture awaiting you in Prisonlandia and if you don’t adapt then you could very well become a target. Housing in Prisonlandia will be equally as bad unless you luck out like I did. Chances are you will be at your intake unit for a while or maybe you’ll land at a transit unit and get stuck there for a year or two, they could send you to a “Rock & Roll” unit where anything goes. You might bounce around in transit for a few days or weeks where you will be introduced to the dirtiest, most roach infested cells in the system. Upon arriving at some units, prepare to fight (a heart-check if you run with a group or gang) and prepare to be confronted about your charges. If you are there for a sexual case involving children, you are going to have a difficult time (more on this later). Racial divide is alive and thriving in Prisonlandia and loyalty to your race is expected. In the midst of all this, remember respect. You’ll feel like a fish out of water, but the trick is to swim with the other fish while maintaining a mindset that remains on stable dry land. Some recommendations to help prepare you – carry yourself confidently and speak respectfully but with assurance. If you appear timid, weak, or unwilling to respect the customs and culture, you can easily put a target on your back.